Gluten Pootin'

A friend came up with this witty way to, ah, talk about what is the, um, end result of gluten poisoning (or dairy or corn or any food allergy you may have):

Gluten Pootin'.

There is no good way to address this issue. It stinks to have to even talk about it.

But one way we know around here if we been accidentally glutened is, um, er, if we start sounding like an all drum band over here. Really unpleasant, for all concerned.

Here is something scary to consider. Some of you may have a very serious food allergy but you never get to the gluten pootin' part of this problem. For whatever reason, some people just do not show symptoms of this problem until it is too late. That sounds alright and certainly less stinky, right?

Wrong. You are headed towards cancer and an early death if you don't find out for sure if you have a gluten sensitivity problem and you continue to ingest gluten. Or diabetes. Or rheumatoid arthritis. Or liver and kidney problems. Or, or, or and the list goes on until we reach 300 possibilities.

All in all, I will take gluten pootin' over intestinal cancer any day of the week. My apologies to those in the room who disagree.

I did find this great link of information from a writer who found a perhaps more civil way to discuss this issue; she called it a "rumbly tummy." That works, but I bet you will remember gluten pootin for a whole lot longer than you will "rumbly tummy." :)

How to stay gluten-free during the holidays

Image via Wikipedia

Here is how to stay gluten-free during the holidays:

Wrap yourself from head to toe in bubble wrap and get an IV for your water intake.

Simple as that!

Not practical?

How about staying in bed from November thru January 1 with the covers pulled over your head?

No, won't work either, you say?

Alrighty then, here are some phrases you might want to rehearse in front of the mirror so they become second nature to you and you don't glare at too many people when you repeat them for the 100th time:

"Why, no thank you, but that Christmas cake (pie, bread, brownie, cookie, dessert) looks delicious. Eating it will slowly kill me." Then add "ha ha ha" to put the person offering you something at ease.

"Thank you, but I have an allergy to wheat the way some people have an allergy to peanuts, so unless you are well schooled in healing my gut after I eat that thing, I better pass."

"Yum! Wish I could partake but gluten inflames my intestines, rheumatoid arthritis, thyroid condition, liver disease, pancreatic problem, diabetes, skin rash, anemia . . . ."

"I am sorry but I can't have 'just a little gluten' the same way you shouldn't eat 'just a little arsenic.'"

And if these are just too feisty and not jolly enough for you, you could instead use these old stand-bys, though I find they are not very good at stopping people from getting you to "have just one!"

"Thank you, I would rather not."

"No thanks, I am full."

"Look! Football is on TV, let's go watch!"

"EEEEKKKK! Is that a spider, mouse, bear, cougar, yetti that I just saw pass by your front window?"

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