How to stay gluten-free during the holidays

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Here is how to stay gluten-free during the holidays:

Wrap yourself from head to toe in bubble wrap and get an IV for your water intake.

Simple as that!

Not practical?

How about staying in bed from November thru January 1 with the covers pulled over your head?

No, won't work either, you say?

Alrighty then, here are some phrases you might want to rehearse in front of the mirror so they become second nature to you and you don't glare at too many people when you repeat them for the 100th time:

"Why, no thank you, but that Christmas cake (pie, bread, brownie, cookie, dessert) looks delicious. Eating it will slowly kill me." Then add "ha ha ha" to put the person offering you something at ease.

"Thank you, but I have an allergy to wheat the way some people have an allergy to peanuts, so unless you are well schooled in healing my gut after I eat that thing, I better pass."

"Yum! Wish I could partake but gluten inflames my intestines, rheumatoid arthritis, thyroid condition, liver disease, pancreatic problem, diabetes, skin rash, anemia . . . ."

"I am sorry but I can't have 'just a little gluten' the same way you shouldn't eat 'just a little arsenic.'"

And if these are just too feisty and not jolly enough for you, you could instead use these old stand-bys, though I find they are not very good at stopping people from getting you to "have just one!"

"Thank you, I would rather not."

"No thanks, I am full."

"Look! Football is on TV, let's go watch!"

"EEEEKKKK! Is that a spider, mouse, bear, cougar, yetti that I just saw pass by your front window?"

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